A Death Announcement


With profound regret and sadness I announce the death of Gomati. She was 22 years old.

This sad event occurred on Friday, July 02, 2010, at her shed near Kengeri, Bangalore. Grief stricken owner Ghee Varghese said Gomati died of natural causes due to old age. Gomati is survived by her calves Hari Prasad and Sundari.

Gomati was born in the fall of 1988 at Kanakapura, a few miles from her recent residence. Born and brought up as a Hindu cow, she was sold to Ghee Varghese by the end of 2009, a Christian owner from Kerala who relocated her to her current shed in Kengeri.

Ghee Varghese bought Gomati with the idea of cashing in on her in a butcher shop after squeezing out the remaining ounce of milk in her. But the sudden ban on cattle slaughter in the city punctured a hole in Ghee Varghese’s plans. Though the Law allows slaughtering of cattle over 12 years old, he unfortunately didn’t have a birth certificate to authenticate her age, and efforts to secure a fake certificate proved too costly to be pursued. Gomati was purchased on borrowed money, and the lenders who apparently knew the ‘Prevention of Cow Slaughter and Preservation Act’ had come into effect queued up in front of Ghee Varghese’s house to get their money back.

With pressure mounting on, Ghee Varghese changed her name to Elizabeth in a furtive attempt to pass her as a Christian cow in the market, but cow activists who sniffed out the matter threatened to protest by burning BMTC busses, and police vehicles. The activists, on an additional note, claimed that they would press the Government to declare all cattle ‘Hindu’.

Ghee Varghese was ordered to take care of the animal till her last breath. Elizabeth spend her remaining days grazing in the church backyard while her owner, who could not muster any cash to buy cattle feed, watched helplessly.

Gomati’s condition grew worse late last night, and by 6 am IST today morning, she was pronounced dead. Just after Gomati’s death, owner Ghee Varghese spoke to Tomato in a whimpering voice that he never intended to sell her to the slaughterhouse, and he loved her more than his mother. Tomato understands this as a desperate measure from a man who has quietly accepted his losses, and wanted to appease the government and the cow activists to limit further damages.

However, as a mark of respect to the sacred animal, the government has announced that Gomati will be given a State burial with six rounds of bullets fired into the sky. The body will lie in state on the pavements of Mysore road till the government finds a suitable burial ground after the closing down of Khadi Grama Udyog Ltd, a year back, which the BMP had tied up with to bury the dead animals. “This may take a week or so”, said the govt spokesman. In an alternate method, the government could call on scavenging birds to clear off the skin and flesh which would result in an easy burial of only the bones. All government offices, schools and colleges in the stench radius will remain closed for a week to mourn the death of the holy animal.

The government further iterated that this act of homage is a perfect testimony to the fact how reverential and devoted the state is to cow and cow worship, and declared any dead cattle in the future will be honored the same way.

With cameraman Tintu Mon P.P, Joshi Mukard reporting for Tomato News.

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About Joshi Mukard (85 Articles)
The author is a wandering soul with no place to call his home town. He was born in Kerala, brought up in several parts of Tamil Nadu, and currently living in Bangalore, shifting his base across the city on a yearly basis with fellow (unfortunate) wanderers, his wife (Libena) and little daughter (Tanaya). Despite all these, the author is a happy soul with no complaints on anything. He wakes up in the morning and sleeps at night and in-between he ducks, stumbles and dances through this world.

37 Comments on A Death Announcement

  1. beautiful satire….

    re your comment on my travel blog, the post that you commented on is fiction and was written as part of a contest. however do visit other posts which might interest you.

  2. My reactions consists of an expression that leaves my mouth open in a small ‘O’ and confused eyes and tongue held in check… this expression I cannot translate into words, thus this comment is my lack lustre attempt at expressing myself post reading.

    Having said that, I like your expression… I was a little comforted after reading the ‘social humor’ tag at the end of the post.

  3. *reaction

    darn typos. my apologies.

  4. May Elizabeth’s bovine spirit rest in pieces!!

    A brilliant satire Joshi, one of your best.

  5. Joshi back with a bang !! I have read lot of satires on governmental ways of working, this will go on top for sure..Characterization of Gomti was impeccable and irony with Ghee Verghese was great.. Good work Joshi..

    • Thanks Rahul. Our Govt puts in a lot of effort to ensure that religious sentiments are respected. But when a cow dies, it is usually left to decay on the road side until the neighborhood dwellers, unable to shut off the stench, take their personal time and remove the carcass. Why cant the activists and govt show some respect to the animal they so adore and revere when alive? Is it so the holiness is only when it is alive?

      • Look around Joshi, thats the case everywhere..for e.g. take the case of army personnels, policemans, CRPF; they sacrifice their lives for the country and their families are left to die in hunger, with government throwing in some shameless pennies in name of compensation..When humans are not valued,it will be height of expectation to think of respecting a dead revered animal.

      • Yes Rahul, you are right. Actually I’m not too bothered whether they respect a dead animal or not, it’s their ‘Protection’ furore that pisses me off.

  6. Even though our governments dont protect any of our other rights like right to live, our ‘morality’ and ‘sentiments’ are always rightly protected!

    Awesome sarcastic piece! Keep it up!

  7. First time visitor! Nice post! I liked the sarcasm that is oozing in between the lines. 🙂

  8. Why do you want cows to be slaughtered? In fact any animal for that matter!!

  9. **With cameraman Tintu Mon P.P, Joshi Mukard reporting for Tomato.blog.**

    There are other things that are funny, but this one is unexpected. I just get reminded of headlines today guys reporting some utterly newsless story in prime time, with camera person and all that.

    BTW have you noticed these fresh grad news reporters on the ground. They all follow the same tune of music when they report something..

    After daaaaaays of silence, no solution is yet to be fooooooooooooooundd..

    What will happen nowwww, is anybody’s gueeeeesss

    la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-laaaaaaaw..laa laaaw(uma sudheer)…laa laaaw (from hyderabad)…lala tv news…(for ndtv news)

    I dont know who teaches them all to sing in the same tune!

    • Joshi Mukard // July 12, 2010 at 9:27 am // Reply

      When I penned down the line, I thought it is a good dig at news channels (I got the cue from NDTV) but none of the readers seemed to notice. Glad you did. The name was also carefully chosen – Tintu Mon P.P, a funny Malayalee name.

    • thats the problem Ashwin.. these just out of school think they have learnt it all… art of journalism is dying and these new bee journalists and by the dozen media houses are the killers!

  10. It’s social humor … still it’s such a serious matter. i have seen cows roaming around the street and eating even poly-bags (as some mango peels are stick on it) … n then in the evening returning to their owner … n the shameless owner can’t even feed them but when it cames to get their milk … they won’t feel guilty for keep the calf hunger (at times u can count their bones too !!) … if the owners are so heartless – what can we expect from the govt. !!

  11. great satire….loved it! reminded me a little of ‘Animal Farm’ in a way.. Ghee Varghese was a great caricature!!! Hats off!!! 🙂

  12. Must say Joshi… you are too good with the satire! reminded me of an obituary -the “death” of democracy
    by ashok mahadevan

    O’Cracy, D.E.M., beloved husband of T. Ruth, loving father of L.I. Bertie, brother of Faith, Hope and Justicia, died on June 25.

  13. wokay… being from the busines I am inviting trbl by putting this on record 😉 but what the heck!

    Its a jungle out thr and they are either dumb asses or jumping monkeys who think news is also showbiz

    • Joshi Mukard // July 14, 2010 at 9:17 am // Reply

      “Its a jungle out thr and they are either dumb asses or jumping monkeys who think news is also showbiz”…….exactly.

  14. Extremely funny 🙂

  15. I cannot believe this is true!

  16. Hi, pls visit http://theliongirl.blogspot.com/2010/07/circle-of-friends-award.html . You are being mentioned there. Cheers!

    You need not publish this comment. Thanks.

  17. Beautifully written! Loved it!

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